I was just looking at old photos and I came across this one - the first photo I ever took of Beamlak. I remember staring at this photo on my computer in Addis over and over again just looking into those eyes. Those eyes that state - I certainly haven't lost hope, I love my life - it's all I've ever known, but I've experienced a lot, now, how can we have some fun?
Staring and staring into those eyes knowing everything that I wanted to be able to provide her- never thinking that I actually could. Somehow, against many odds, we're a family! And I simply can't convey just how much she continues to amaze me through her faultless, light-hearted, optimism; her courage; her impeccible wit even with limited English; her sincerity and genuine kindheartedness; and everything she continues to excel and struggle with - it truly is amazing just how amazing she is and that somehow tomorrow it will be possible to love her even more. But I know it'll be possible as she slips under the covers, half awake tomorrow morning, and cuddles her little face into mine to sleep for a few more minutes.
Amazing how the little things in life just stick with you.
Friday I closed on our new house! I'm officially a homeowner! First-time homeowner. It's been a bit crazy to say the least but I am definitely excited - and so is little B. We (my parents, Beamlak and I) started moving things in on Friday night and then began tackling some more on Sunday. I'm in no rush at this point - trying to keep the transition as smooth and as gradual as I can. Sunday, as my parents had returned to their house to get some things of mine out of storage Beamlak and I were taking things out of boxes. As I have "moved" about 9-11 times in the last 5 years (yeah I didn't realize how huge that number was until I had to write it down at my closing) my boxes are quite chaotic and some boxes have no rhyme or reason for how they were assembled. I decided to tackle the boxes I had placed in my "office" because it's near the built-in bookselves I was excited to fill as it is one of my favorite characteristics of the house.
I opened the first box hoping to find some books - there was one. I took it out. My first thought was, "Yeah! I get to put my first book in my bookshelf!" I walked over and placed it in the top left corner, looked at its binding, and there it was - "There Is No Me Without You." I stopped, shook my head in disbelief. Amazing. All I could think of was how true those words were in that moment. How real that moment was. I just stood there for a minute or two just trying to grasp my life and the direction it has taken since I met Beamlak. Then I heard what I would love to say was the "pitter, pattering of little feet," but was much more like a crashing of a chair down the wooden stairs as Beamlak ran down from her new room - "Mom! Come!" There were important things to see - her assembly of her stuffed animals in her new walk-in closet, her arrangement of Spongebob towels (yes she loves Spongebob and thanks Laura for the funny gift in University, found them in a random box), and her new mirror that I ectched back in high school that she thinks is the coolest thing.
Okay so I just have to share... I have a million things to say but I've been sitting hear looking at the pictures on my blog and I have nothing. No words. Amazing how that works :)
But I do have to share - okay - so I've officially been a mom for just two months and becoming an "official mom" was amazing, but having the words coming from your daughter and her finally understanding what it means - priceless.
Though she started sporadically calling me mom in Ethiopia it wasn't consistent. It was probably confusing more than anything. We stayed in a small one house compound with a family - a mother and her 5 children. All the children of course called their mom, "mom" and Beamlak also began calling her mom because she didn't know her name.
After coming home to Minnesota she began calling me Bettina again. Sure it didn't feel the greatest when she would call my name, instead of "mom," though it was still sweet. However, I never pushed the issue as I didn't want her calling me mom just because I was telling her that she should. I couldn't imagine everything is she has been going through the past few weeks and I certainly wasn't going to increase her anxiety for my comfort.
Several days ago we taped a bunch of photos up in her room that she took with her friends at Kechene and before we went to bed we said, "I love you" to each and everyone one of them and to all the people we love in Ethiopia which led us to a discussion about her Ethiopian mom. I started talking about her Ethiopian mom and how we both have two moms and that its okay to have two moms and love two moms. She acknowledged that she understood (I was speaking in my horrible Amharic of course). I tucked her in, said I love you very very much to her and her teddy bear and that was our night.
The following morning we were looking at the photos again as we had just called the family we stayed with in Ethiopia. I started again by saying how much we love them all (the family and her friends) and also her Ethiopian mom. She looked at me and said, "Yes" in reply to my statement that we both have two moms.
Friday morning we had just gotten in the car to go to school and as always I turned on some Gossaye music and as Beamlak was arranging herself in her carseat I put the car into drive so I could get out of the parellel parking spot I was in and then it came, "MOM!" with a big smile on her face as I looked into the rearview mirror, I turned around, she was looking at me and shaking her head and said, "You silly," with the seatbelt still in her hand.
I have to say, that certainly is my favorite word, but a close second is the phrase, "My crazy."
Spending time drawing - on the sidewalks - sunshines, dogs, flowers, and all the fun stuff
Beamlak concentrating - she wrote 0-60 on the sidewalk! In the English number system but we explained it in Amharic :)
Beamlak's first horse ride. Yeah earlier in the week we went to visit my parents' horses (Arabians) and she was too afraid to get anywhere near them. Then we visit a family friend's farm with Belgian's (huge horses) and she wanted to take a ride! That's my girl!
That's my little Ham :)
Little do most people know I grew up in the country on a horse farm. Endless opportunties for fun and we had a lot of it that day! It reminded me just how much I do love horses (and the country :) )
Yep, she was all decked out! Cowgirl boots, belt, hands in the pockets - Cowboys watchout!
They even took the horses out just for Beamlak! She absolutely soaked it up.
Posing :) From left: Grandpoopa, Beamlak, Kathy, Brook, Carrie, Grandmooma
I love this photo because her hands are still in her "eww" pose from the pitbull that was running around - she didn't like his drooling
And still I do not know what do say. I thought that if I waited the right (perfect) words might just miraculously cross my mind, solidify, and manifest themselves onto the screen. It just hasn't happened. There is so much that I want to share, details of events that cannot be given justice to within the confines of words, or at least my words.
I write and then erase constantly knowing that my words just cannot convey what it is I'm trying to express.
My daughter is... Motherhood is... Ethiopia was and continues to be...
The words that come to mind just cannot be adequately expressed and when I and my daughter look back on this time together, I want something to be written - something to be from me to her about what it was like seeing her for the first time in 1 1/2 years; visiting Kechene and knowing that without a doubt I never have to ask for permission for her to leave with me; falling asleep the first night together and not sleeping at all too worried about her making it through the night; her calling me mom for the first time while I'm trying to change a light bulb in her room, "Careful Mom!!!"; Her "Thank You's" for the smallest recognition of her ideas about what to play next; her unbelievable resilience and courage throughout the last month; the comedic way she sees our lack of communication in Amharic/English; the beautiful way she sings Ethiopian Orthodox songs, and yes, she knows them all; her witty personality that can instantly make you feel grateful for every minute you have with her; and the list goes on and on.
The last month has been absolutely amazing and I can honestly say that I never thought I would feel as content as I have since we have been together. I am miraculously blessed to have Beamlak in my life and she makes every day (and yes, even those days when she wakes up at 4 am tickling my feet) fun-filled with a million adventures to undertake. There are so many firsts we are discovering.
The irony is - there truly isn't much to say, my mind isn't wondering, my heart is content in this moment.
And so I leave you with a few photos :)
My Baby in "RED"
Beamlak watching Maryn in awe performing Taylor Swift (one of 6-7 times)
Beamlak posing for Maryn to show off her presents from her (and Renee, she wears the headband EVERYDAY!)
We are home!! It's been a whirlwind the last few weeks and the time spent in Addis with Beamlak was amazing. Exhausted after the trip home but we're both doing really really well. It's much too difficult to try and summarize the last few weeks with such little sleep but I'll try to write soon :)
I'll just leave you with a few photos for now!
THE REUNION!! Leaving the compound as a family!
My professional athlete
Taking a break from too much jumping rope
First full day together! She picked out grandpa's outfit :)
Our Habesha Siblings
My Habesha mother: they truly took us in a one of their own and we will both miss them dearly
It's difficult to write this section now that Beamlak is finally home! How amazing! Well to summarize... I turned 26 years old on April 15, 2009 the day my daughter, Beamlak became a U.S. Citizen - exactly one year after I was able to "officially" begin the process to bring her home. I met her January 27, 2007 and I can say that without a doubt, my life has never been the same. My life now is amazing, beautiful, difficult, exhausting, lovely, precious, adventuresome, routine, surprising, and about a million other adjectives. We're just settling in and I'm trying to soak it all up!
I saw you meet your child today You kissed your baby joyfully And as you walked away with her I played pretend you'd chosen me.
I'm happy for the baby, yet Inside I'm aching miserably I want to plea as you go by 'Does no one want a child of three?
I saw you meet your child today In love with her before you met And as I watched you take her out I knew it wasn't my turn yet.
I recognize you from last year! I knew I'd seen your face before! But you came for a second babe. Does no one want a child of four?
I saw you meet your child today But this time there was something new A nurse came in and took MY hand And then she gave my hand to you.
Can this be true? I'm almost six! And there are infants here you see? And then you kissed me and I knew The child you chose this time was me.
-Debbie Boddie
Starfish Poem
As I walked along the seashore This young boy greeted me. He was tossing stranded starfish Back to the deep blue sea. I said, 'Tell me why you bother, Why you waste your time this way. There's a million stranded starfish Does it matter, anyway?'
And he said, 'It matters to this one. It deserves a chance to grow. It matters to this one. I can't save them all I know. But it matters to this one, I'll return it to the sea. It matters to this one, And it matters to me.'
-- Anonymous
*There are more than 6 million orphans in Ethiopia. Orphaned due to malaria, TB, AIDS, drought, flooding, war, migration and lack of basic health care. Anything and everything you do to support even just one makes a huge difference - don't undermine your contribution.
Be the change you want to see in the world. ~Mahatma Ghandhi
