A Smiling Beamluk!

Stop right there!!!! :)



Okay, I'll show off my new smile for you all to see :)

That's right, my little girl still has that amazing smile. It has been so long since I've seen it. I can't tell you just how much this lifts me up to see!!!!!!

Thank you Ellie for sending me these beautiful photos!

Small Steps

I spoke with my friend and assistant today in Addis and he received a call from Maeza at Kechene! Beamluk has been taken for her check ups! I was so happy to hear about this small step forward - I know it seems tiny but with all that has happened recently with the adoption this is HUGE for us!

My dossier has been in Ethiopia since the end of June or the very beginning of July. I have yet to receive her referral - which is extremely frustrating seeing that this has been in process since July of last year when the first steps were completed to investigate whether or not she was a legal orphan (Beamluk's file was nearly empty when I first contacted the director of the orphanage even though she has lived there since she was 2 months old). Until the medical checks, everything that had taken place in Ethiopia for Beamluk was investigated by either me or my friend so it seems as though the agency is finally getting the ball rolling. I still have no idea when I'll receive my referral but I'm hoping to get in contact with another in country staff member next week that I know well.

Some not so great news is that Beamluk will not be admitted into Gladney foster care. I started this battle before I left Ethiopia in October 2007 - to push for her acceptance into their care which provides a safe, loving environment for the children including a private school education and field trips. Let's just say, I thought I had finally won the battle last week, but the Director of the orphanage has changed his mind yet again that she will need to stay at the orphanage until I arrive in country. Somehow I am remaining optimist that the process is finally nearing it's end and I'm just trying to keep my spirits up!

I'm also busy trying to re-prepare myself to finally become a mommy! When this journey first began I researched for hours on end trying to prepare myself to be the best mommy I could be - a first time parent to a then 5 year old little princess. I eventually had to set this aside for sanity's sake. It was something that I couldn't think about on a regular basis - day by day and month by month - I needed to continue to try and live my life and complete the official process. I thought and continue to think about her constantly but I have guarded my heart due to continued disappoint in the process and constant frustration that she is in Ethiopia and I am in Minnesota.

I'm slowing coming to terms that she is now nearly 7 years old and I'm grieving the losses of missed years (before we met) and months away from her since we first met - it is all a process. But it feels like I'm moving forward. I'm revisiting the bookstores and reading up on parenting school age children, institutionalized children, traumatized children who have experienced great loss in their life, and the list continues. It's becoming more real again every day that an end is possible - it still is unknown how all the cards may be dealt, but the end of this process is FINALLY nearing and regardless of the outcome I'm going to be there for my daughter.

Below are photos that I received earlier this week from Rachael who was finally united with her daughter, Amira!! Congratulations!!

P.S. I told Rachael I was concerned that she had lost that hopefulness she had always possessed as there were no real smiles in any of the photos but Rachael assured me that after a few minutes Beamluk remembered who she was (she volunteered in October 2007) and she was back to her normal joyful self :)

Advice for Serenity?

Emotions… thoughts… thoughts… and more thoughts and emotions. What happens when all you can think about is how badly you need to cry? Somehow you know that you haven’t allowed the emotion to enter into your thoughts that have been overwhelming your entire being - the thoughts are there and they are complete and all encompassing and yet you haven’t given them the time, digestion and perhaps validity they deserve and therefore they continue to circle around you and it feels as though you can go no where. That’s where I am. I suppose I should say that’s where I have been for quite some time.

That searching… where does that come from? It’s not enough for me to think and feel constantly because there is this huge barrier that has been consistent in my life that defends my soul from feeling too much. It is a part of myself that I believe allowed me to distance myself away from the constant tragedies unfolding in Ethiopia – to actually be able to function when people were alive one day and gone the next. Or a child would disappear suddenly and never return from that side of the street you walked to work on every day. The “where did they go’s” don’t stop, they’re always there, but they become more internalized every day as you’re informed it’s “just life” and “TIA,” This Is Africa.

Is the battle within me or is it for a cause? Perhaps that’s a dangerously loaded question. Since coming home I find it very difficult to have every day conversations without somehow thinking of Ethiopia… somehow relating to children in Ethiopia… or at Kechene specifically. Conversations not about Ethiopia and its children often times to me feel useless… unnecessary… and sometimes depending on the topic – just outright disgusting (particularly when related to our capitalist and “what more can we want and have” society). I guess that because Ethiopia’s children are constantly on my mind (yes, constantly no matter what I am doing) I’m wondering when everyone else is going to get on board… get on board to a cause to protect the most vulnerable population on this planet, no matter their location, special need, age, situation….

I don’t know… it seems like I can literally write a book everyday of the conversations in my head about Ethiopian children, children’s rights, orphaned children, alternative care strategies for orphaned children….What will it take to find peace within my thoughts? I suppose within myself? What is it I must do to feel as though it’s okay to let go? Not forever, but for enough time for me to focus on my life and where I must go from here.

DISCLAIMER: Though some days are tougher than others, I do enjoy and like having conversations about everyday life, please do not take offense :)