Where should one begin?

Where should one begin? It seems it has been forever since I have written and yet it was just two days ago. I, myself am not a diary-keeper. I have the best of intentions when beginning a journey to summarize my experiences in a daily journal but it never seems to work. However, it seems that I have missed so much within just one day that I have to write. I have spent 7 days away with only 20 minutes to 6 hours of sleep per night and yet I am experiencing some of the most happiest times of my life. Yes, I am always surrounded by poverty. Yes, I am constantly surrounded by destitute children. And yes, I am always surrounded by sadness. Yet, there is so much to celebrate. Celebration is such a difficult word to write at the moment. I am crying. Earlier today, at 9 am we had our first meeting with the director and founder of the AGOHELD, an orphanage in Addis. Her story was amazing and began 20 years ago when she was in northern Ethiopia while they were experiencing a drought. Her life began when she saw an infant suckling the breast of her dead mother. She took the infant and another she found later that day back to Addis to care for the children. Within one year she was the mother of 21 children. Her husband and family abandoned her due to her dedication for her children-believing she was crazy or cursed. Currently, her orphanage is home to more than 160 children. I saw them. The infants of no more than a month old in two rooms. Four of them. I am haunted by them and I have not even slept yet. Four children motherless, fatherless, homeless, abandoned because of poverty or perhaps HIV/AIDS. Their story is unknown and that makes it even more heart-breaking. How difficult was it for their mothers' to give their children away? I am not a mother and cannot completely understand the love a mother has for her child, but just imagine...it is never due to a lack of love. It is because of love that they feel they must give their children a better life.

I am exhausted and yet I do not want to stop writing. The children. They deserve every moment that I have and it seems as though I have nothing to give. Today, I had to walk away from 4 children. Children I could have loved for the rest of my life. But I had to leave them. Perhaps I could have helped them, but I did nothing. I held their tiny hands and stroked their little stomachs to sooth them, but in the end, I left. How is one not to feel guilty? How does this work not consume you, and everything that you are or thought you were?

Bannyam, I fell in love with him. He is a boy not more than five years that I met at Hope. He clung to me. He stroked my face and touched my hair and wouldn't let me put him down. All he wanted was to be held and hugged. He is so precious. He is beautiful. Next came Eyores Meles, she is no more than 3 years. She wore a blue, ragged sweater and had dried snot covering her face. But her smile - I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Although she has so little her enormous black eyes were full of hope and wonderment. She walked up to me as I was surrounded by about 30 other street/destitute children and wanted to sit on my lap. She sat there and smiled and looked at me, just stared with amazement in her eyes. I tickled her and played with her and just hugged her, she wouldn't let me leave. As I got up to speak and visit with the other children Bannyam and Eyores followed me and clung to my legs and wouldn't let go. There were over 150 children in the feeding shelter, but they managed to attach themselves to me and me to them. Last night, as I fell asleep they were there. Their beautiful faces, full of enlightenment and joy. This is where I will volunteer. These children are amazing.

I must stop soon as I have to get up for six meetings tomorrow. But I can't, as the children are here with me and all I want to do is walk the streets and talk with them, hug them, and give them everything they could ever dream of, but I know it is not that easy. I am an idealist and though I hope that characteristic never fades, I am afraid it will. One person can make a difference and a hundred can change the world - believe and work harder than you ever thought you could - and it will happen. It will happen - it has to.