Emotions… thoughts… thoughts… and more thoughts and emotions. What happens when all you can think about is how badly you need to cry? Somehow you know that you haven’t allowed the emotion to enter into your thoughts that have been overwhelming your entire being - the thoughts are there and they are complete and all encompassing and yet you haven’t given them the time, digestion and perhaps validity they deserve and therefore they continue to circle around you and it feels as though you can go no where. That’s where I am. I suppose I should say that’s where I have been for quite some time.
That searching… where does that come from? It’s not enough for me to think and feel constantly because there is this huge barrier that has been consistent in my life that defends my soul from feeling too much. It is a part of myself that I believe allowed me to distance myself away from the constant tragedies unfolding in Ethiopia – to actually be able to function when people were alive one day and gone the next. Or a child would disappear suddenly and never return from that side of the street you walked to work on every day. The “where did they go’s” don’t stop, they’re always there, but they become more internalized every day as you’re informed it’s “just life” and “TIA,” This Is Africa.
Is the battle within me or is it for a cause? Perhaps that’s a dangerously loaded question. Since coming home I find it very difficult to have every day conversations without somehow thinking of Ethiopia… somehow relating to children in Ethiopia… or at Kechene specifically. Conversations not about Ethiopia and its children often times to me feel useless… unnecessary… and sometimes depending on the topic – just outright disgusting (particularly when related to our capitalist and “what more can we want and have” society). I guess that because Ethiopia’s children are constantly on my mind (yes, constantly no matter what I am doing) I’m wondering when everyone else is going to get on board… get on board to a cause to protect the most vulnerable population on this planet, no matter their location, special need, age, situation….
I don’t know… it seems like I can literally write a book everyday of the conversations in my head about Ethiopian children, children’s rights, orphaned children, alternative care strategies for orphaned children….What will it take to find peace within my thoughts? I suppose within myself? What is it I must do to feel as though it’s okay to let go? Not forever, but for enough time for me to focus on my life and where I must go from here.
DISCLAIMER: Though some days are tougher than others, I do enjoy and like having conversations about everyday life, please do not take offense :)
1 comment:
"how does it happen that-while most people instinctively try to save themselves and their familes from catastrophe-a few slow down, look back , and reach out to strangers? Instead of fleeing in the opposite direction, a few wade into the rising waters to try to yank the drowning onto higher land.....no resume can predict why this man or woman, at a safe remove from a crisis, suddenly announces, "THIS IS MY FIGHT!"
You have always had something special about you, believe it or not :) I wish I could ease your mind, but those thoughts are there for a reason. Deep down I believe you know what you want. You just have to find a way to let yourself have it. LOVES ALWAYS
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