When you adopt an older child, you may find that conventional parenting methods aren’t effective. Here, parents and experts weigh in with real-life advice that will see you through the transition to family.
1. Keep your expectations flexible. When Carrie Krueger brought home three-year-old Christopher, she found that he didn’t understand logical consequences. “He was so used to being uncomfortable—cold, hot, hungry, even sick or hurt—that I had to help him identify what his body was experiencing. I had to name the cold he felt when the wind blew, then demonstrate how we block it by putting on a jacket.”
2. Look at the world through your child’s eyes. “Imagine being abducted by strange people who speak a different language,” says Ellen Margolese. “When you think of all the scenarios a child might visualize, their behavior may make more sense.”
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Choose your battles wisely. If a child is grieving over the loss of familiar people and surroundings, this may not be the best time to make an issue out of toothbrushing or mismatched clothes.
4. Give your child the childhood he never had. Krueger learned that “immediately meeting any need will not ‘spoil’ a child who never knew the joy of a nurtured infancy. It may seem strange to see a child so large and seemingly competent asking to be carried, or becoming distraught when a request for food is not quickly met. But I don’t have to parent Christopher today in the way I hope to parent him as a teenager.”
5. Be patient. Mary Ann Curran, director of World Association for Children and Parents, says, “Do expect a lot of time to pass before your child feels like part of your family, and accepts the change that his adoption entails. This does not mean years of disruptive behavior, but it may be a long time before he feels he truly belongs.”
~From Adoptive Families Magazine
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