A Little Contradition, Confusion, and Joy...

Oh the contradiction and the confusion. I just received two new photos of Beamluk and I was beyond ecstatic, however, at the same time it’s just so painful to see them. Though it would make perfect sense to stare at the new photos and to recapture the old photos by dazing into them for hours on end, I just can’t. It’s too painful. I absolutely cherish them, that is not the question. In fact, I check my email continuously throughout the day searching for information. But it is as though looking at them and seeing them in my office everyday brings so much pain – not more pain than joy, joy in the time I spent there, joy in the happy times, and the final reunion and future, but some days I must admit – it’s just plain hard. Though I don’t expect that to change anytime soon, I really wish I could join in the enthusiasm that surrounds me as people – friends, family and colleagues learn about my adoption, but there’s always that pain in my heart that I cannot be with her, that she is grieving, not fully understanding why she was left in the orphanage while I went to the U.S, the guilt that she thinks I’ve left her, and not being able to move this process along more quickly. Seriously! This process has been in the making for nearly a year and yet I am still in the beginning of the legal battle. It took me 7 months to find the one person who could allow me to move along in the process. It was frustrating, but there was nothing I could do until she showed up. Now, of course, my young age has me awaiting approval even though I have experienced many things most will never in their entire lifetime.

Oh the journey. I must say that it would be a bit easier if there was someone to relate to… someone who has gone through a similar situation, but, I’m highly doubtful that there are many single, young prospective moms who have worked in an orphanage, fought through the orphan legal status of a child for 7 months to find out that the adoption may be possible (though not certain), had to leave their child there for months on end, go through the culture shock of returning home while trying to at the same time create a stable life and then finally return to her when they reached the legal age to adopt? Yes, that would be completing an identified open international adoption. Know of anyone? Oh just re-reading the scenario makes me laugh. But hey, if you know of anyone in a similar situation, please let me know!... (okay, so I laugh a little more, what else is there to do?)

But to leave on a high note! I’ll be speaking with Beamluk over the telephone this Saturday!!! The first conversation in 2 months. I must say that I am quite excited just to hear her little voice in Amharic speaking to me, telling me how school is going and what she would like me to send over to her (the last time I asked her this she just said that she wanted me to return home. After a little prodding, she finally admitted that she would like new shoes and clothes. And who could say no to the most basic of requests?)

I’ll also be speaking to some of the other children!! I’m definitely looking forward to this week! Also because I’ll be flying down to visit little Maryn Tsgerida, Keller Tariku, Renee and Geert! Can’t quite contain the excitement. Perhaps the visit will give me just what I need – a little rejuvenation and a sense that dreams really do come true. Perhaps not in the way you once thought, but once they happen, you couldn’t imagine anything different.

Thanks for reading… and I’ll keep you posted J Good night.