Three Months

Strange how those lyrics to "Sober" that I had posted on my old caringbridge site are still just as moving and accurate three months after I've left Ethiopia. Except this time, they haven't awoken the writer in me at all. The writer in me has done nothing less than disappear since my return "home."

I'm wanting to write all the time. On sleepless nights I lay in bed thinking of everything Ethiopia but willing myself to get up and write this time around just hasn't happened. I don't have it in me. I know that the dreams that come to me when I'm sleeping of being reunited with Beamluk bring me comfort. I know that day to day activities, as simple as they may be can bring the greatest heartache. Sliding in the snow - Beamluk would love that! Going to the Y and looking into the childcare center - Beamluk would have a BLAST! Swimming in the pool - oh one of her favorites. Most activities I do throughout the day bring thoughts of Bamlie. Shopping for food, shopping for clothes, seeing parents with their children, family meals, holidays... and the list goes on and on. How many more holidays will be spent without my little girl? How much longer will she have no family to celebrate the holidays with. How much longer will she have no one to tuck her in at night, read a bedtime story to, kiss her goodnight... To have a number of days in mind would help tremendously.

If everything goes as planned... which adoption never does, I will have her in my arms forever by June. If it extends past that time, I really just don't know what I'll do. I'm working hard to try to at least make a visit there for work, but even that is in limbo as the Ethiopian government continues to close American (and Italian) agencies because programs are expanding too fast, regulations are not ideal, and the battle against ethical adoptions continues with a limited number of staff. I believe my programs for orphaned children in Ethiopia will, in the end, succeed, however, the time it takes to get there is what most concerns me now.

So I sit and wait... continually feeling defeated as I continue to submit paperwork for my little girl living too many thousands of miles from me. As upbeat as I try to remain, the days are passing and continues only to get harder. But then again, nothing ever worth fighting for was easy so I'll keep trudging on...

"Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better here
Three months and I still am...

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up"